May 2025

Lessons Learned in Style & Aesthetic

Disclaimer: Let’s get this out of the way first, I am not the most stylish person to exist. I do try and I do think about aesthetic quite a bit, but I am not a stylist.

As a gender minority, I experience the relationship between identity and expression in a hyper-visible and tangible way. Simple acts that usually go unnoticed like walking to the women’s side of a store, using a dressing room, providing your name on an order, or simply being seen in public spaces all hit different. These moments provide contrast and clarity to the normative motions of the day-to-day that are auto-pilot for most people. This is reflected in expression.

This article is inspired by two phenomena that I’ve witnessed countless times:

1. Uninspired Cis People. Typically cis-men, but for many cis people there is no connection between identity and expression. Many have never thought about what they wear, and why they wear it. Let alone how and for whom. A la Queer Eye, there is a bounty of happiness awaiting those who can use clothing as an extension of their passions and interests. Everyone, unabashedly, deserves that feeling.
2. It is Difficult! Learning a new gender is hard. Learning that gender without the prototypical body type and body parts is even harder. Even more frustrating is knowing exactly how you want to look and feel, but realizing the world doesn’t make clothing that fits you or the clothing you want simply doesn’t exist. How do you combat and cope with that feeling?

I have spent the better part of three years wearing whatever fit, whatever was “safe” to wear, and what won’t draw any more stares than I already had. Over that time, I have tried many tips and tricks, tools, and trialed many aesthetics. I have bought a lot of clothing (thank you Ross & T.J. Maxx) and, honestly, have had to give away, donate, or sell most of it because it didn’t fit right, my body changed, or my relationship to clothing changed. Being trans is incredibly expensive *sigh*.

I now feel at home in my body and my aesthetic choices are a reflection of that.

As queer people, we have the power to see the normative motions of the world and actively rebel against them. This provides us the freedom to wear what we love instead of being at the behest of a prescription.

Let’s get to it!

What I’ve Learned:

1. It’s Not All About Clothing. Transitioning is incredibly expensive. It is easy to think that “if I just had the right dress, I would finally achieve my goals.” Scrolling through Pinterest or Instagram quickly reveals that there are other variables of equal importance. Clothing, accessories, hair (color and style), makeup, shoes, body modication (like piercings and tattoos), and more. Each contribute to a “look.” Which inadvertently means, you can elevate your style with minimally invasive or expensive techniques. Each is an arena to play with and explore! IMPORTANT: Pay attention to the body type of the model if you scrolling through feeds. Ask yourself: is the model making the clothing look good (then it won’t look good on a larger or taller body) or is the clothing standing on its own?
2. You Have to Try Things On. Linked to the point above, we all have different body types. So do those models that are posing all of the clothing online. It is a two-part relationship, knowing what your body type is so you can visualize what clothing will look like on you. There really isn’t any way around this, you need to try things on. If possible, all of the things. Which, should not be taken lightly. This is usually accomplished by shopping at stores with gender-neutral fitting rooms, generous return policies, with the assistance of a friend or family member, or online shopping. In my case, I hate the feeling of collars around my neck, I hate lowrise pants/shorts/skirts, and I hate boxy t-shirts. They all make me feel masculine or physically uncomfortable. So, I search for: drop/scoop neck shirts, high-waist pants/skirts/shorts, and crop or feminine cut t-shirts with drop-shoulder.
3. Half the Battle is Being Okay With Yourself. As someone who strives for femininity, there is no way of getting around the cultural standards in the US. Either the traditional thin or Kim Kardashian-inspired thicc, but-only-in-the-right-places look. Neither of which I possess. Whatever aesthetic you strive for, these expectations are unavoidable. This is where the difficult, but ever-important, skill of separating the standard from your reality. I know that when I wear a skirt, I won’t look like the model, but I also need to know that I look just as beautiful as them with my waistline as they do with theirs. This sounds incredibly simple, but is training I undergo every day that I get dressed. All will be for not if you thrift the most incredible dress, but you are too unhappy with your body to enjoy how amazing you look.
4. Use Your Energy When You Have It. The early stages of finding your aesthetic (as my guide shows) is an incredible amount of labor, that disproportionately affects those with body types not represented in the fashion industry. When you have energy to spare, use this time to experiment outside of your comfort zone. With the support of friends or family, wear a wig or a corset or a bodycon dress. Its not about everything working out for you, it’s about allowing yourself the pleasure of playing! You never know, something might just stick with you.
5. It Gets Easier With Time. The bulk of the work is up front. Learning your aesthetic and how to style clothing on your body. Once you “get” that part, then it’s just about finding new clothing and allowing your natural affinity and ways of expressing to change and grow. For me, I can now walk into stores (or shop online) and have a good idea of the cuts and sizes that will work for me, and the items that I would want to add to my wardrobe. At this point, it’s fun. Unabashed, unapologetic fun!

ABOVE ALL ELSE:

Be Gentle With Yourself. Being intentional with your expression means that you will be more sensitive and aware of facets of your body that society has trained us to despise. Simply put, it’s easy to not feel insecure when you don’t care at all. Whether it is your tummy, thighs, chest, shoulders, or feet. We all have bodily insecurities and trying on clothing is an easy way to trigger a negative response. Be cognizant of space and fatigue. I have lost my temper or cried many, many times because I got triggered, felt dysphoria and began scouting for someone to take it out on.

Most clothing will not work.

Most clothing will not spark joy.

You will spend hours and hours failing to find the right piece.

But the ones that do will provide all the inspiration necessary to continue on. Waking up and putting on clothing that exemplify who you are is invaluable, so it is worth the effort!